life

well i wish i was good at this whole blogging thing but im never sure what to write or talk about. I want to share my sons story but there really isnt much to share considering he didnt live that long, but he was a happy baby and loved to be around people no matter what.
May 19th will mark the 4 year anniversary of his passing and I miss him more now then I did before. It's hard because of my other son I always wonder what Roy would look like? would him and calin get along? would we still be in the marines? I just have so many unanswered questions that will never be answered. So this year I want to be able to do something big for him, like a balloon release or candle lighting ceremony or something I'm just not sure what. Any advice?
I also want to do so much for my son now but I feel like my husband doesnt want to buy him stuff even though i feel like it will be good for our son. I mean we get him things he needs but we really dont buy him toys or anything so I have to "secretly" buy my son stuff, but not only that I always feel like im in trouble if i spend money whether it be on my son or on me. But i have a plan to be able to get things for son.

Worse day of my life

 On May 17th his 5 month mark we went over to his god parents house for his god fathers homecoming, everything was going great he was playing with all the kids, he was enjoying being outside in the sun. Well later that night I decided to put him down in their spare bedroom for the night and that's when our world went crashing to the ground. About an hr after putting him down I decided that I should check on him cause he loved people and there were tons of kids in the house so it wasn't quite by no means, well I went in to the room that he was in and I just knew the min I walked in there that my precious son was not there. He was face first in his blanket and wasn't moving so I checked to see if he was breathing and when I didn't feel anything I slowly turned him over and that's when my worst fear came true, I could just tell by the look on his face that my son was gone forever and I wasn't getting him back. So I picked up and went running down the hall way screaming for my husband. My husband then took him from me laid him on the ground and started CPR while his god mother was on the phone with 911. in a few min even though to me felt like forever the police arrived taking my son outside to continue CPR then the EMT's arrived. I was the only allowed to leave the house to go with my son to the hospital as to where everyone else had to stay and be questioned. When we arrived at the hospital they continued CPR for over an hr and when they decided that there was nothing more they could do for him I went in and said good bye and that I loved him but when I left the room that when they got a heartbeat, so they decided to have him life flighted down to Children's Hospital in San Diego. Before the flight he was trying to breathing around the ventilator, but he gave up during the flight, mind you before all this my husband finally arrived at the hospital just in time to go with me down the children's, our next door neighbors who met me at the hospital was going to drive us down there since one our car was at his god parents and two we were in no shape to drive. The next 72 hrs where the longest days of my life, they did all sorts of tests, MRI's, CT scans everything to see if there was a slight hope that we could save our son but when the CT scan came back it was confirmed that we lost our son, so we decided to what was best for him and we took him off life support. So at 12:35am on may  19, 2008 our precious son left us to go play in the clouds. He was surrounded by his mommy and daddy and both grandpas while my husband read fox in socks to him.
I will forever miss my son and wish that I held him one last time before they took him away, even though to me i felt very rushed by the nurses I am sure I wasn't. They gave a memorial box and we put his hair in it and some other keep sake items we have from the hospital but even though we have those things it still doesn't change the fact that I left that hospital empty handed. they did do an autopsy to rule our fowl play or genetic issues and they deemed it as S.I.D.S. which is now why every year I do a fund raiser Spring for SIDS to help raise money and awareness so no other parent has to go through the pain and suffering that we went through.

this month

well my husband left on march 4th for AZ for the month. So far its been 9 days and surprisingly I've been doing pretty well without him, I don't mind not having him here but I am starting to get lonely without him even though my cousin and son are here with me its just not the same. I'm also horny! Lol but that's what toys are for right? Well any way I only have 11 more days left till he comes home and then he leaves again on April 2nd for panama city, FL. And hopefully I'll be going with him so I can spend that week on the beach

well it happened again

it happened again, my son scared the crap of me the other night. He was sleeping with me in my bed cuz he woke up crying so I brought him with me into my room. Well any way around 1:15 something told me to wake up and when I did I thought I was repeating the past. My son didn't move when I moved so I started to rub his back and when he still didn't moved I rolled him over and the look on his face scared me half to death, I literally thought my son had died again, so I shook him to where he finally woke up. I was so scared that I picked him up and put him back in his room and then called my husband who is on a work trip 3 hrs behind us. Needless to say I was very scared to rest of the night and after being up for 2 hrs after the fact I finally went back to sleep.
well my son is ok and being the 16 month old that he is.

never told anyone this

when my rainbow was just a few months old he use to sleep in bed with us, well one night when my son was in bed with us he had snuggled up against me, well I had something tell me to wake up so when I did I found my son underneath my arm with my shirt pressed up against his face, I was so scared that something had happened to him, but my rainbow is now 16 months old and babbling away.

the day we found out

well it was the scariest day of my life to say the least. I had only been with my bf  for about 8 wks when we found out we were 6+5. The other scary thing was that my bf was technically still married according to the marines.
but anyway I had been going to work all week prior to us finding out when my boss had suggested that I might be pregnant and I thought she was nuts lol. So I decided to say something to my bf about it when we decided to buy a pg test. I took one that night it came out positive, so I decided to take another one the next morning when that one came out positive I decided that I should probably make a doctors appt that's when we found out I was 6+5, we then had to tell my parents that I was pg. My dad was shocked I think and the rest of my family was surprised cuz I don't think they ever thought I who,d get pg let alone married, but that's another story

The past few days

Have been quite interesting.

 Considering my best friend confessed his love to me, which apparently I was blind to. I really wasn't aware of all of this considering I didn't want to think about him in that way cause I didn't want to lose my best friend like I already have with my other best friend cause we let love and get in the way and now we don't talk anymore or at least hardly.
I've been having a hard time lately with wanting to be with my husband due to that fact that I don't like having intimate moments with him, but apparently I'm not the only one either cause some of my friends are having that same issue so I don't feel as bad but I still feel bad.
I've also been having issues starting to get on my workout plan and I really don't have the support except from my cousin but the only thing we do is country dance on the wii which isn't going to help cause it really doesn't require movement. I do watch what I eat I've been trying to eat more salads and drink more water which I don't mind cause water is good for you, but sometimes I wish I could find something that was healthy but just as good.