life

well i wish i was good at this whole blogging thing but im never sure what to write or talk about. I want to share my sons story but there really isnt much to share considering he didnt live that long, but he was a happy baby and loved to be around people no matter what.
May 19th will mark the 4 year anniversary of his passing and I miss him more now then I did before. It's hard because of my other son I always wonder what Roy would look like? would him and calin get along? would we still be in the marines? I just have so many unanswered questions that will never be answered. So this year I want to be able to do something big for him, like a balloon release or candle lighting ceremony or something I'm just not sure what. Any advice?
I also want to do so much for my son now but I feel like my husband doesnt want to buy him stuff even though i feel like it will be good for our son. I mean we get him things he needs but we really dont buy him toys or anything so I have to "secretly" buy my son stuff, but not only that I always feel like im in trouble if i spend money whether it be on my son or on me. But i have a plan to be able to get things for son.