The holidays

Well I know I havent written in awhile, but the holidays got pretty busy for me.
First my rainbow and I went to san diego ca for a week to visit some family and friends and then we got back and I returned to work to get ready for christmas, which by the way was a really long long day.
And now I am preparing for the new year, which I cant believe another has past and even though my rainbow is here and pain of losing my son has not gotten any easier just feels like its gotten worse since my rainbow has been here. I love my rainbow more then anything, but I miss my son sooo much and I want him back so much
ITS NOT FAIR!!!

One of those rough nights

I'm pretty sure that sums it up but last was a rough night were i actually broke down and cried for the first time in a long time. Im trying to stay positive and cheerful for my rainbow but its hard with my angels birthday on saturday. I just miss him so much and wonder who he'd be today, how tall he'd be, what his personality would be like, would we have calin, would we still be in the military. I just have so many wonders and even some what if's even though i know its not my fault but sometimes i wonder, what if I'd done things differently that night would he still be here? Or would he have still been taken from me. I feel so selfish cause I want him here with me now! But at the same time I count my blessings for the time I did get to spend with him unlike some people who never got to hold theirs or got to hold them but they were already flying with the angels. I just miss him so much.