One of those rough nights

I'm pretty sure that sums it up but last was a rough night were i actually broke down and cried for the first time in a long time. Im trying to stay positive and cheerful for my rainbow but its hard with my angels birthday on saturday. I just miss him so much and wonder who he'd be today, how tall he'd be, what his personality would be like, would we have calin, would we still be in the military. I just have so many wonders and even some what if's even though i know its not my fault but sometimes i wonder, what if I'd done things differently that night would he still be here? Or would he have still been taken from me. I feel so selfish cause I want him here with me now! But at the same time I count my blessings for the time I did get to spend with him unlike some people who never got to hold theirs or got to hold them but they were already flying with the angels. I just miss him so much.